Lessons in Isolation and Loneliness

A Brief Update

Hi friends!

It feels good to be back on the blog, though I admit I have been wary to jump back in right now. Truthfully I’m still a little torn. Because I see both sides to social media and blogging—the good side being a tool to encourage and connect with others, especially during an uncertain, frightening and lonely time like this. And the bad side of it being that I would only throw more noise into an increasingly loud cacophony of voices that can become more discouraging and overwhelming than helpful.

So, at the risk of contributing to more noise, I am going to write and hope that I can connect with at least one person out there who might resonate with these thoughts.

First off, I apologize for my little chunk of absence. Anyone who is a writer of any kind knows that there are seasons of life where it just doesn’t happen. Even before the increasing threat of Coronavirus and its ripple effects, 2020 has been a particularly challenging year for me. Probably from December-early March, I had been struggling with a pretty intense uptick in my Lyme symptoms (pain, major sleep disturbances, weakness, fatigue, depression) which resulted in increased isolation that fed into deeper struggles of loneliness and spiritual discouragement.

Fortunately, at just the right time, God intervened. Not only did he intervene so that I could find ways to plug into community more, but he miraculously provided generous financial resources through the generosity of friends, family and acquaintances, the funds to try a new and considerably more intensive Lyme disease treatment. While I am not out of the clear by any means, I am considerably more encouraged and hopeful in the process. Not to mention the longer days and warmer weather has been a literal breath of fresh air and has helped considerably to tone down my symptoms.

That said, it would be naive and concerning if the current state of world events didn’t affect me right now. The concern and fear I have for the nations and families that not only are dealing with this illness, but also the economic and psychological domino effects it brings is heavy. And it is always the most vulnerable who will be hit the hardest. My heart cringes with sorrow when I think about the level of pain, struggle and suffering that is already increasing in the most vulnerable communities right now. Or those who don’t know what will happen to their jobs. I don’t want to dismiss that or dull that pang or sorrow either—because in the coming weeks, months and who knows how long, I want to be sensitive and ready to meet needs and help bring relief or hope to others wherever I can.

In the meantime, I am already noticing a common struggle amongst the communities and social circles I am involved in that I actually do feel somewhat prepared and ready to speak into. And that struggle is that of isolation and loneliness.

My Experiences with Isolation and Loneliness

Isolation and loneliness often, though not always, go hand-in-hand. What I mean by that is, you could be physically isolated for a period of time and find ways to engage your mind and heart so that you are not as desperately lonely as you could be. Or you could be surrounded by people for days at a time and still somehow feel incredibly lonely. But usually when you are isolated from the “outside world,” or from your friends and community for a period of time, even if you manage to stay connected through social media or phone calls, or stimulate your mind as much as possible with good things, the lack of face time with such people does eventually take its toll. I firmly believe that human beings were hardwired for relationships with other people and when we aren’t able to get consistent, nourishing face-to-face interactions with other people, especially friends, I believe that parts of us do inadvertently shut down. We feel the disconnection and it certainly does affect us.

I have a lot of personal experience in the arena of isolation and loneliness. Two and a half years ago, when my battle with Lyme disease began to take too much of a toll and I could not continue working, I moved three states away from my community, job and church into my parents house where I no longer had any childhood friends. For months at a time throughout this timespan, when my symptoms have been especially debilitating, my parents were basically the only people I would see and my house, church or the occasional errand were the only places I would go. It took a long time to start to feel well enough to plug into any sort of community at all, and even then my illness and lifestyle kept me from plugging in or socializing regularly with people my age. I eventually did build more of a life and get more involved with church and community and have a relationship for a chunk of that time, but isolation has and continues to make up the strong majority of my days throughout these past few years.

I don’t say all of this to string on my little violin or garner pity. The primary reason I share all of this is to say that I truly know, from lots of experience, the toll that isolation can take on the human heart, mind, body and soul. No amount of talking on the phone, video chatting or texting can take the place of thriving, in-person relationships with people. And even though technology is a huge gift in that it allows us to hold onto relationships and stay in touch with people we might not get to otherwise, it is insufficient to quench the ache of loneliness that grows from physical isolation from others.

What I mean by all of this is that isolation and loneliness is tough. Period. It’s unnatural, uncomfortable and even painful. I know that people around the world are starting to experience the reality of this as they are quarantined or social distancing from others. We feel the ache, the distance and we realize how much the people we interact with outside of our personal walls enrich our lives.

Some Tips

If you were waiting for me to give the secret of being perfectly happy while experiencing isolation and loneliness….sorry to disappoint you. I don’t have that formula for you right now! But I will say a few more thoughts on the matter that I’ve discovered through my personal experiences with this particular struggle.

1.) Connect with Others Virtually

First off, I would say upfront that it’s important to recognize and accept that it’s tough. Seasons of isolation and loneliness are definitely times of trial. Not just because they are harder to endure mentally or emotionally, but because they can open up doors to many other issues. Isolation and loneliness can easily give birth to secrecy, poor decision making and lack of accountability. Which is fertile breeding ground for poor mental health, unhealthy habits and spiritual struggles to grow. What I have learned from seasons of more physical isolation is to use technology to connect with someone I trust as regularly as possible. For me, that’s looked like praying regularly on the phone with one of my best friends and having an open door of honesty and accountability with her. Even when I am more isolated and lonely from others literally, having that connection helps keep my faith strong and reminds me that I am still accountable for my actions even behind closed doors or in the depths of my heart.

2.) Create Structure and Routines

Second, I would say that it’s very important to have some structure in your day. This applies more to people who don’t have full-time work to maintain even remotely, but it can apply to those situations as well. Probably the biggest things that have kept me sane (enough) during these months and years of isolation from the normal rat-race of life has been having a few solid disciplines to structure my day around. This has been especially helpful when it comes to battling times of depression or anxiety.

I recognize that routines looks different for everyone, but there are a few things that have helped me in my current season. I have a solid morning and nighttime routine (including going to bed and waking up around the same time every day). This keeps me in a biological pattern that gives me the best chance at sleeping better, feeling better and starting off the day on a better mental page. Because I tend to be most sharp in the mornings when I have my coffee and before I’ve exerted too much energy, I purpose to have some sort of devotional time in the morning usually through a Bible study or Scripture reading plan and some allotted time in prayer. This automatically sets my day off to a better start and makes a huge difference in my perspective on everything else for the rest of the day.

I try to make my bed every day and get dressed in real clothes (even if just “athleisure”) because it makes me feel better even if I am not going anywhere. And then I usually have a few bite sized goals to work towards each day. These routines are smaller, but they add up and set me up to face the day with a better attitude.

3.) Limit Screen Time and Purpose Growth

Third I would say to set boundaries around screen time and purpose to grow in other areas. While screens and technology can connect us to others in a positive way, if we aren’t careful, we can waste hours, days or more of our life on mindless entertainment that does nothing to actually fill the void in our hearts that we most desire. For me, seasons where I’ve been isolated and have spent too much time on Youtube, Netflix or Instagram have left me feeling increasingly empty, sad and useless. That is why I try to set limits and put boundaries around my screen time and use intentional parts of my day towards other life-giving areas.

In my life that looks like reading at least a half hour each day (usually more). I love to read fiction but I also love to read books that strengthen my faith or help me with practical insights. Reading is a very rewarding use of time because its benefits are manifold. According to studies, the benefits of reading include: mental stimulation, reduced stress, increased knowledge, vocabulary expansion, memory improvement, stronger analytical thinking skills, improved focus and concentration, better writing skills, tranquility and free entertainment. I also try to use time in my day, if I feel up for it, to do some painting, low-grade exercise and journaling. And when the weather is nice, I am a huge proponent of getting at least a small amount of fresh air each day. All of these practices get me away from the screens, use other parts of my brain and nourish my mental and emotional health in significant ways.

4.) Press Into Christ

Until this point, I have been writing this post with this last point implied, but I cannot emphasize it enough. At the end of the day, during my hardest most relentless seasons of aching loneliness it was the quiet assurance that Jesus was with me each step of the way that really mattered the most. No amount of routine, painting or even talking to friends on the phone could substitute that comfort. God calls us into community with others but there are seasons where he calls us to be alone for a time. And in those times when we feel most alone and when there doesn’t seem to be much we can do about it that God’s presence can be most satisfying and sweet. Because Jesus knows what it’s like to be alone and promises that he won’t leave those who come to trust in him EVER! It’s such an immense comfort to know that even when we can’t feel it or understand what’s happening around us, God himself can be sufficient for us and will provide what we need most, including fellowship, when we need it most. This I have experienced.

In Conclusion

Right now we have no idea what is going to happen next. We truly don’t know how long we will need to social distance, quarantine or be isolated from the normal, interactive rhythm of society. It’s okay to feel the loss and it is natural to experience loneliness. I think it would be more concerning if we didn’t. But this current season can open our eyes to appreciate the gifts of community and interacting with friends regularly with a new sense of gratitude. We can allow this season of isolation to make us creative with ways to redeem our personal time and reach out to others with a new sense of sincerity and appreciation. And, Lord-willing, one day soon we can savor the gift of healthy, thriving society and regular community gatherings with the level of gratitude and thankfulness that they deserve!

P.S. If anybody reading this is really struggling right now with managing this season of increased isolation, I invite you to reach out to me. Seriously. It would bring me so much joy to be there for you and help you in any way that I can. Or if anybody just wants to reach out with prayer request needs or wants to talk more about knowing Jesus, it would truly be my honor to talk or pray with you. You can send me a message through the contact page!